nice tattoo, sorry it wont fulfill ya

tattoos. nose rings. body wraps. losing 65 lbs. going vegan & saving some animals. bellybutton ring. dying your hair every color of the rainbow.


I've tried these things. Who hasn't tried to dramatically change their appearance at an attempt to be happy?

You break up with a boyfriend? cut that man right outta your hair, right? Be the best thing he's never had! Lose those 20 lbs so he'll regret leaving you! These things will all make you happy, right? Wrong. So, so, so wrong.

The only reason you were made to think there is something wrong with the way you look is so people could sell you things. That's it. Society has told us that if we just fix how much the number on the scale says, if we just have ombre hair, if we just have perfect! flawless! clear skin! we will be happy.

hate to break it to you, coming from someone who has lost 65 lbs in the past two years, no matter how low the scale has gotten, I was never happier than I was when I was heavy. No matter if I had red hair, purple hair or black hair, it didn't fix any anxieties I have about the future. No matter how great the placement or font of the tattoo I have so originally picked out that has *soooo much meaning to me,* it won't fulfill me.

Do you know what fulfills? Stop being selfish and focusing on the way you look all the time.

"but I'm not a selfish person!"

So could I, the person who has voluntarily done the church nursery with no payment for 10 years, who wants to pack up her belongings and live in the slums of Africa for the rest of my life say. But the truth is, I am selfish. I am insecure about the future and sometimes unfulfilled and empty.

--For to set the mind on the flesh is death, for to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace.-Romans 8:6.-- As cliche as it sounds, focus on the inside. When you think of yourself as a whole & beautiful person, you can live your life as a whole and beautiful person. rest in that peace.

There is nothing more beautiful and fulfilling than truly loving people. In order to love people, you have to make peace with and love yourself. Every day that you choose to love who you are on the inside, your passions, what motivates you, your heart, you will become more and more fulfilled. that is not selfish. that is freedom.

You are beautiful, you are loved, you will live an amazing, fulfilling life.

& that tattoo looks awesome, but sorry, it won't fulfill you.

6 days..

til I'm in Haiti.


:)

Tonight, as I just cried out of frustration, my mom asked me "are you mad at us for taking you to Haiti....."



.... that question made me so upset and frustrated... how in the world could I blame my problems on the place that I love so much?

I go to a very, very, very small private school.
My old very good friend who used to be in the same boat as me, only cares about how much she loves school right now.
And sometimes? I feel so alone...

I found my calling at such a young, young age. I found my calling to missions at ELEVEN. Not many people do that.
What teenage girl's head is wrapped up in a third world, dirty, broken, poverty-wrenched nation?
mine.

I'm.in.love.with.Haiti.
Not a phase, I love Haiti. with my whole heart. I love everything about it.
My heart still brakes every time I see a picture...
Not a day goes by that I don't pray for them and the nation.
I miss Haiti, I miss the kids. I miss Daphne.




I long for the day I can lay in bed, in Haiti, again and just go to sleep. no emptiness... no weight on my chest.

Jesus, please...?

(Picture; Deja Villegas. She tagged me in it on facebook tonight! Oh my heart! look how big she's getting! Thanks, Deja!)

Stepping out of my comfort zone.

Stepping out of our comfort zones is challenging, and honestly most of us can say we do what we can to avoid it. No one LIKES to feel uncomfortable.

Sometimes God askes us to step out so He can use us, its always a matter if we obey him or step back.
When we obey Him, it can be uncomfortable or scary at first but in the end we will receive a blessing for being obedient and doing what He wants, not what feels "comfortable."

I think God likes to shake us in our lives and ministries, it makes us rely on Him.

My comfort zone in missions seems pretty far- sitting in a ravine in a third world country in the 900 degree weather holding malnourished children with scabies, lice, and who knows what else is heartbreaking, but I LOVE it. Its my passion.

Yet, going to work in the 5 degree weather in snow in my OWN COUNTRY. Is scary to me. I've been so many times, but still, the cold is just not my thing. Going to a place and ministering to mostly adults is not my thing. Going on a team with no one under the age of 25 is not my thing.

But, its not about me.

Its about Christ in and through me.


I am going on a mission trip to Beatyville, Kentucky this week. These people are in poverty like you'd never imagine in the states.

Excited to see what this week brings...

What it feels like being back in the States.

I'd rather be punched in the face all day.

Its been 11 days since I've been back. I wish that time would just stand still and allow my brain to process things-but it doesn't. I wish that reverse culture shock didn't exist- but it does. I wish that it didn't hurt so much to be back-but it always will.
Sometimes, it feels like I'm still home in Haiti... then I wake up.

I miss.- Holding and loving babies, speaking Creole, my friends, Port-au-Prince fellowship, proving random kids on the street wrong that I DO understand them and can talk back, drinking from water bags, My Heart Will Go On playing from water trucks on the streets.... so much more....

I miss my time at the Tluceks.- I miss talking to my friend Nounoune, the team, sleeping on a balcony, I miss Melodie and David SO much, I miss my English Camp class, I miss Nadege and her "asian laugh" and how happy she is about everything, I miss teasing Nadia and telling each other stories, Renald, Emmanuel, going to the Heartline Hospital.

I miss MdL- I miss the feeling of finally being back there, when random people would shout my name that remembered me on the street, kisses from Estaline, singing with the kids, awesome conversations with the girls about the future of Haiti, piggyback rides, talking to Marie-France for hours in Crenglish, holding Alejandro and Rihanna talking to their mommas and playing with Angelo, listening to the girls sing Waka Waka, Ari and Vienna, Mr. Bill, Susette, ahh just all the Manasseros, The Feeding Program....

I miss everything.

I think I'm gonna just wrap all all of High School now and graduate so I can move there....

Life.

Well, Summer's finally here! I am so thankful, life is so good.

A lot of exciting things are happening this summer =)

Feeding program <3-

We (our church) have started feeding 150 beautiful little inner-city kids everyday! They are so sweet and so fun! I love love love working with them, holding them, talking to them, and playing with them!

Day care- I am now working at a "mothers morning out" as well =) My life is so full of kids now, I LOVE IT!

Camp is next week! I am so sad there will only be 12 people!!! Last time, it was about 60 something. :( But I know God is still going to do big things! it will still be a lot of fun though! We have new exciting activities like snorkeling and skooba diving, as well as scavenger hunts and trips to the mall. It will be different, but I'm excited!

Haiti- I'm going back!!!! Ahhh God is SO GOOD!!

Well, thats an update on my life at the moment.

20 days!

2o days until I am finally in Haiti!!!

Oh, I can't wait until I see the beautiful people on the streets through over-whelming amounts of smoke, the vendors and beggars lining the streets, paintings and shoes and clothes all over the walls, women doing their friends hair, kids playing.. until I hear a mix of loud voices speaking Creole, and kids laughing and playing... the sounds and sights of my "home." But more will be there. Heartbreak, tent cities, rubble, collapsed buildings.

I am sort of glad I will finally see the damage caused by the earthquake finally. I've been warned, Haiti won't look the same, it will be way more over-whelming, it will break my heart, I need to prepare my heart, etc. I don't mean to sound like I'm in my own little fantasy and my Haiti is perfect. Its so, so, so far from perfect. Its the opposite. It is so broken, it was before the earthquake.

But God. He is so present there. He is in the compassion and love shown by the people, He is in their smiles- you can see Jesus in their faces! He is in the people who leave their life, home, friends and family to go serve them, He is in their little make-shift churches, where they worship for hours in the scorching heat joyfully and with unrelenting passion. They are the most beautiful people I've ever known.

Haiti has hope, even after the unimaginable, even after the earthquake. Haiti has Jesus.

This is where my heart is. This is the place I love. This is where I am returning.

"I am SO HAPPY to be home again! This place is where my heart beats, in sync, with His."-Susette Manassero.